I hadn’t forgotten to the finish the story. It just became less interesting to me. As I try to put it behind me. Inside Cell #105 was pretty unenventful. I got my asskicked…. In dominos. Yes we played dominos from a cardboard cutout. There were moments of clarity when I could somehow accept that this was going to be life. And there were moments when I wanted it to be over no matter how.
A few years earlier I had attempted suicide, and a part of me saw this as my punishment.
The darkness I experienced in just a few short days was enough to push me into a deep depression that made me believe that there was no light, that there was no life on the outside that all life ceased to exist. That love too was destroyed. That I had been swallowed up in hell.
And yet I remembered the moments of life in between when I attempted suicide a few years earlier to try and end the suffering of my disease and I was thankful for the years in between.
I was thankful for my bunkmate in prison who attempted to bring peace to himself by being kind to me.
He was a drug pusher who was arrested for stealing a car in Rosarito. He could bail out of jail for a mere 750 dollars yet he had no family to do it.
Yet somehow in all of this he found moments to be kind by sharing cigarettes, and laffing with me about the normal everyday shit we face in jail. He made sure that others shared with me even though they didnt want to share with me because I was white.
For this I was thankful.
It was in this thankfulness that I found hope, and I began to accept that not all stories were lies as everything that was told to me in the days prior had been lies. It was in somehow being able to rebuild hope by remembering past thankfulness that I pressed forward and saw my way through the darkness.
In times where darkness saturates everything, and all hope is squandered, cherish the peace that was brought to you in the past. Bring forth new hope by dwelling on the good times you’ve shared with friends and family.