I couldnt sleep because my brain was going 110 mph. I started watching episode after episode of Chuck which by the way is an insanely funny show. Totally just an overshare there. In the midst of all of that ~ I realized what’s missing in life, in my life. I talk about dreams to a lot of people. I help people believe in dreams. But a long time ago I gave up on mine. I shed the tears and let lots of people walk out of my life forever. Never to be seen again. I remember back when I was in school no not Devry University. I often let my mother chase my friends away. She was marvelous at it. Just about every close friend she chased away. She thought she was being protective and I understand now that I am older why she chased them away. She needed more than anything the affection, the trust, and the love that I gave my friends. I was often the same as I am now back then maybe even better. I listened, I cared, and I always tried to save. So my friends cared back. I did help them in many cases but not because I had a magic solution but because I listened. I never remember a time when my mom didn’t try to share, sometimes she shared more than my heart could handle. She went through a lot as a child too,and even as an adult. I couldn’t handle that then and I’m not sure I can handle it now. I love my mom. But she chased away so many of the people I loved so dearly. Friends I can’t have back. Then when life got hard and I rejected her even if not on purpose she rejected me and chased me away. That’s where I picked up where she left off. I continued chasing people out of my life. I continued the pattern. I need to stop this cycle. I need to stop allowing myself to continue this painful pattern. I need to embrace people I love even when it hurts, even when they hurt me, even when the road is long and lonely and doesn’t make any sense. I’m strong enough to endure pain,torture, and being alone a good portion of my life then I am strong enough to endure anything any one of my friends will take me through. And there will surely be joy along the way. Love is staying when it doesn’t make sense. Love is waiting when after you’ve prayed and prayed about the answer no answer comes and the only thing reassuring you is the answer you gave someone else. Being able to trust them enough to know that no matter what they won’t hurt you on purpose.
I lay here I don’t know the answer to the pain in my heart. I don’t have a clue. I don’t know where this road will lead me, or where this road will end. I know that I have borne it alone for so long. I have carried on and I am weary. I ask that you can fix the pain in my heart, and bring my family back to me. I understand that family is not just flesh and blood and you alone can understand this. I don’t have a reason to hope but there alone is hope in you. You have believed in me and now I have hope but to believe in you. I trust that only your will is done in my life and the life of my friends. And though my family and my friends don’t believe and even sometimes I don’t believe I need to believe tonight, I need to believe. I need to hope. I need your calm, I need your forgiveness. Bring them back to me. Or if this keeps me from you take the longing in my heart away from me. Take the tears, take the fears, take the sorrow, the guilt, the shame and remove it from me as only you can. Somehow can you bring me peace and calm tonight? I feel alone and weary when I need to be strong. But may you yourself, O God of life,Be in my heart, be behind me,
You to me as a star, you to me as a guide, From sunrise until sunset as long we shall rise. Let us rise together again in peace, with calm,with strength, united again forever and forever. Amen.