It seems as though I’ve been at this strange crossroad since somewhere between October and November. Separation,Health Problems,and Work Problems have seemingly landed me in a place of perpetual confusion and chaos. On top of that I lost a few solid relationships and one relationship I needed to shed. For so long in my life work has kept me grounded.
Even when everything else was flying around me I could always turn to work as a place to go for grounding. Now it’s all different every day I feel lost. I lost a bunch of friends and family by leaving Mexico. But for personal and safety reasons this was the only way to go. I’m starting to make good friends but there’s something so painfully agonizingly empty about how I feel lately. Partially it’s because at my core I’m a unique individual. I’m an extremely social and yet it takes awhile to crack into that arena of confidence. And so I landed in a new city. My upteenth new city in 2 countries in 10 years.
I feel so painstakingly different. Culturally I’m in a place where I don’t connect as well. Strangely enough I interact better nowadays with people who speak spanish and hang out on their front porches until midnight then I do with the average American. Maybe because my desire for being apart of something is fulfilled when I was in Mexcio. Even amdist some rough times I managed to have community. And that community kept me emotionally alive and fed.
For the last ten years of my life when my safety net came crashing down I went back to Montana. And I have no sense of desire to do that anymore. I’m sure new scenery would be good for a few days, or even months. But I would again be overwhelmed with the same problems I’m facing today. A sense of being rootless.
Living in Mexico set alive in me a desire to have roots. To start a family, to have real deep connections that were permanent. To overcome some of my hurdles to get to that point. Whether or not that’s here or not is yet to be determined.
For some strange reason I decided to enroll in College today. I registered anywho. I still have a bit of time to figure out my class, or classes and finish the whole enrollment process. I’m leaning on studying Journalism. Regardless of whether I move back to Tijuana or stay in San Diego I think I want to go to College, no not ITT Tech. I currently applied and was accepted at City College. I still have to enroll. Not so much for th e education but for the opportunity to meet more people.
I’ve met some good people lately but I am badly in need of folks to just hang out with. Maybe college will open up those opportunities and give me some fresh perspective on life. I could use a bit of that.