The Long Walk

I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. I’m not the kind of person to ever admit weakness in seeing a therapist. I’m going to share a part of my therapy that touched on spirituality. One of my recent struggles has been a spiritual one. I couldn’t save the life of someone I really cared about. I barely could save my life. In the end looking back, examining all the events I realized this person saved my life. Not only in that moment, but also for today. But in doing so she really lost her life. And may be lost for all eternity.

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Im hoping in the heart of my hearts that it might not be so. I never once shared the message of hope, of the life of Jesus, nor of his love. Maybe she saw it in my life. Maybe she didn’t. But I failed to share the message, and it was her who saved my life. Not the other way around. Every day I walk around haunted not only by the guilt of surviving, but of wanting to trade places with her. Of wanting to give her another chance to accept the love, and grace of the Creator of this universe. Instead I’m left behind, and it’s not for me to question God about her soul, but what I’ve been taught to believe about God tells me she will go to hell. But in my heart I’d trade places with her in a heartbeat just for giving me a second chance at a life I’ve often screwed up. I’d go to hell to give her a chance to understand the love of God, the one I know will grant me grace at the end of my life even though I really don’t deserve it.

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